Quotes & Quips
Season Two

**quotes shown may include spoilers for that episode**

Appearance on  Magnum P.I.

 Ki’i’s Don’t Lie

“Oh, come on, just relax.” – Rick

“Every time you say ‘relax’ to me, I get into trouble!” – A.J.

“Wax that, hotshot!”–  A.J. to Magnum as the brothers escape

Emeralds Are Not a Girl’s Best Friend

“Emeralds!  I like the sound of that. (to A.J.)  What do you  think?” – Rick

“I think you’re crazy!” –  A.J.

“Well, I know that, but what do you think about an emerald mine?” – Rick

(In Mexican prison)

“Getting out of here is no problem – it just takes a lot of money.” – Henry

“How much money?” A.J. moans.

“Half a million at least!”–  Henry

“Ohhhhhhh Nooooooo!” A.J. moans louder.

(to Henry) “Pacetos?” – Rick  (Henry nods)

“Ohhhhhhhhh!”A.J. continues to moan loudly.

“A.J. ...“ – Rick

“Ohhhhhhhhhhh!” (A. J. takes a breath.)  “Ohhhhhhhhhhh!”

“….(it’s) about fifty  bucks.”–  Rick

 “Oh!” – A.J.

“She’s greedy and she’s  larcenous.  A.J. over there will be charming…and even more  larcenous.” – Rick

AJ's response to that  comment


Mike and Pat

"I always knew there was a difference between working in intelligence and working with it." - Rick

"Anything's possible. We're  talking about alien intelligence here." - Rick

"Yours or the dolphin's?" - AJ

Art for  Arthur's Sake

"In all my years as a private  detective, not one, never, did any criminal ever pick up the phone and  make a date with me." - Myron

"Maybe it's his  mouthwash." - AJ, to Rick

Rick, pretending to only speak Spanish, to very rude gas customer - "If I did speak English, I'd tell you to go to hell."

"What do you think of my new hair?" - Rosalie

"As little as possible." - Rick

"Anybody home?" - Myron

"No." -  Rick

Sometimes Dreams Come True

(after entering AJ's living  room and finding everything over-turned)

"Where's your brother?" - Cecilia

"That's a good question. Rick?" - AJ

"Yo." -  Rick's voice coming from a pile of furniture

"Where are you?" - AJ

(a pained pause) "I think I'm over here." - Rick

"I'd like to have a kid one  day." - Rick

"Well, I believe the first step is generally considered to be marriage." -  AJ

"Maybe I could rent one." - Rick

"Why don't you just become a Big Brother?" - AJ

"I already am a big brother." - Rick

"To whom??" - AJ

Last Time I Saw Michael

"You'll have to excuse my  brother. The whole family does." - AJ

Fowl Play

"I hate this kind of work." - Rick

"You hate any kind of  work." - AJ

Thin Air

(The brothers are caught behind the PowerWagon, seriously out-numbered and out-gunned.)

"Little brother, I'm sorry I got you into this one." - Rick

"Never mind that. When we get  out of here..." - AJ

"Yeah?" - Rick

"...there's just one thing I want." - AJ

"Yeah, what?" - Rick

"I want you to get your DAMN BOAT OUT OF MY YARD!" - AJ

Rick giggles.

Pirate's Key, part one

"C'mon, Myron, you know we didn't break any laws down there...well, no big ones anyway." - Rick

"AJ, do you lie to me because  you like it or because you just can't help yourself?" - Janet

Club Murder Vacation

"Was that a gun?" - Cec's startled date, Leo, referring to  AJ

Cecilia, with a charming smile - "Yes, I think so...well, now for the milk punch."

"AJ, what's going on with  you?" - a concerned Cecilia

"You're gonna think it's crazy." - AJ

"Try me." - Cec

"I think I witnessed a murder." - AJ

"That's crazy." - Cec

"Go in there, get yourself cleaned up. I'll take you home." - Rick, in big brother mode

"No way! I'm in the middle of  a case." - AJ, stubbornly

"You're becoming a case." - Rick

(After catching Rick and AJ on private property, near 'No Tresspassing signs)

"Can you read?" - Goon

"As a matter of fact, I can. Something you want me to read for you?" - AJ, glibly

"No wise guys." - Goon

"Sign up there said 'No  Trespassing'; didn't say anything about no wise guys." - Rick

"Are you blind or stupid or  both?!" - an unusually insulting AJ

"That's not a bad idea." - AJ, staring at Rick in surprise

"Did you ever know me to have  a bad idea?" - Rick

AJ gives him a pointed look.

"Don't answer that." - Rick

(After closing the door on the Simon boys and Jerry nonchalantly leaning on a body bag with a leg hanging out)

"Is that man dead?" - Cec's even more alarmed date, Leo

Cec, with another charming smile, pulling him back down the hallway - "Let's talk about you."

"Let's make our friends think  we've had to much to drink." - AJ

(Rick and Jerry start chugging wine)

"Let us PRETEND we've had too  much to drink" - an exasperated AJ

What’s in a  Gnome?

“Marine Colonel’s are born angry.” – Rick

(On rollercoaster)

“Are you okay?” - Denise Carroll, to  Rick.

“Oh, sure, I’m fine.  I  love mechanized death.” –  Rick, with a marked lack of enthusiasm.

(In gnome training)

“Who can tell me – what is the most important part of being a gnome? (Lori consults class roster)  Ricky?  Riiiiicky.” –  Lori Lightbody, trainer

“Rick.”he corrects firmly. “Wanna repeat the  question?”

“A gnome is polite, he always  says please.  He likes to have fun and he’ll never tease.” Lori says in a sing-song tone.  “Now, Ricky, (Rick glares at her) what is the most important part of being a gnome?”

“Sex?” Rick smiles sweetly. 

(Regarding Rick’s undercover job of being a gnome)

“I would have traded with  you.” – A.J.

“What, quit now when I’ve  almost learned to be neuter?”– Rick

(on Vietnam)

“You had to pick up whatever would give you an edge.”– Rick

“What was yours?” – A.J.

“Never volunteering.” –  Rick

(at the office of a Vietnam  historian)

“Do you do this for a living?” –  A.J.

“No, I do it for the dead.”Dodger Doyle states frankly, “Now, what can I do for you?  A little history lesson - how to subdue a tiny Asian country in  fifteen years for five trillion dollars?”

“No, thanks, already took that course.” – Rick

(In gnome class, role-playing  how to handle a cranky brat)

“I’m gonna report  you!”  - Lori

Rick sighs, patience gone.  He leans over until he’s in her face.  “You wanna know something about  gnomes?”he growls  menacingly.  “Gnomes love little  kids..…for lunch!  Ya got any mayonnaise on ya?” 

“Well, that’s typical top  brass mentality.  Drop an A-bomb to kill a flea.” - Rick

“This guy is psycho!” -  A.J.

“People are real trigger happy with that word when it comes to Vietnam Vets!  If I wasn’t your  brother, you’d probably think I was psycho, just because I was over there!” Rick yells.

“No, I thought you were psycho before you went!!” A.J.

“Vietnam was just another old  show that they watched years ago.  Eat your TV. dinner and watch the  kid next door lie face down in the mud.  Pass the fish sticks and sleep like a log.” – Luke  Dwyer

“I didn’t sleep too well during those years.”A.J. says quietly.

“My brother was one of the campus commandos.  He fought the war from behind a peace  sign.” Rick says mockingly.

“We knew what was going  on.  We were concerned with larger issues than toga parties, you know!” A.J. counters heatedly.

“A.J., you want to know a real large issue?  Breakfast….and being alive to eat it.  You  guys were worried about whether you could carry 21 hours in one  semester.  We were worried whether we to going to make it through the next 24!” – Rick

“THAT is why I didn’t sleep  well at night!!” – A.J.

Secret of the Chrome Eagle

“What we have here is a 1935 Cadillac Chrome Eagle, B12 engine, 370 horses, one shot lube  system-”A.J.

“-and a partridge in a pear  tree.” -  Rick

“Mr. Paxley is not a classic car dealer.”–  A.J.

“No.”Rick says, trying to follow  A.J.’s thought.

“Mr. Paxley is not even a  classic car collector.” - A.J.

“Uh-huh.”– Rick

“Mr. Paxley is a philographer.”–  A.J.

“Shame on him.” - Rick says, clueless.

Room 3502

“You don’t buy this haunted  room garbage, do you?” – A.J.

“There’s something about this  room, though.” Rick  says, searching a cabinet.

“What are you looking  for?”A.J., getting  edgy.

“You could help!” – Rick

“Well, I can’t help if you don’t tell me what it is you’re looking for!”– A.J.

(edited for length)“Fine, try this…let’s  suppose the last tenant in this place left something just a tad bit illegal here…Is that real enough for you?” –  Rick

“NO!  It’s the most  ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life!  Did you find a stash?!  “ – A.J.


“WHAT!”- A.J.


Both brothers freeze and look  at each other. They then exit the room, disconcerted.

(In hospital)

“You see that?” – A.J.

“See what?” – Rick

“That orderly who just passed  us.” – A.J.

“Yeah, what about  him?”–  Rick

“He’s wearing Grassi loafers.” – A.J.

“Wow.” – Rick

“New ones!” – A.J.

“…what are Grassi loafers?” -  Rick

“About $500 a  pair.”–  A.J.

“Lot of whiting-out  here.  Take a look at this.  I learned how to read backwards  when I used that little pocket mirror to copy Sherri Levinson’s test  answers in the fourth grade.” – a very smug Rick

“Yeah, I remember that.  That’s the test where you said the capital of France was ‘Sirap’.” – an even more  smug A.J.

(in room 3502)

“You believe all that stuff  about color?   I like the colors in here.”  - Rick

“On the other hand, what do  you know about color?  I mean, this morning you put on one blue sock  and one brown sock.” –  A.J.

“Well, with boots it doesn’t matter a lot, now, does it?”- Rick, getting annoyed.

“Well, it does matter!” –  A.J.

“What, you got x-ray vision?!” –  Rick

“No, it’s the principle of the thing!  That’s what matters!!” – A.J.

“Aw, c’mon, A.J.- !” - Rick starts.

A.J. cuts  in.  “Hold it, HOLD  IT!  We’re doing it again!”

“DOIN’ WHAT?!” – Rick



“NO! Didn’t you listen to Dr.  Hammond?!  She has written entire books on this very  subject!!” – A.J.

“Last night, I read a book about a giant snake that ate Atlantic City.  Does that make it true?!” – Rick



Exit Simons wordlessly, stage  left

Red Dog Blues

(A.J. to Janet, upon learning  they unknowingly are on the opposite sides of a case)”Look at it this way:  we’re the underdogs.  You’re the one that’s playing with a full deck.” – A.J.

“No, I’m not.  My two  jokers are missing.” Janet says sadly.

“Why are you so edgy?  Is  it Sam getting to you?” –  A.J.

“I am not edgy.  I  don’t like courthouses;  I don’t like marble floors;  I don’t like portraits of dead judges and I am NOT edgy!!” – Rick says, storming off.

“It’s Sam.”- A.J.

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