Quips &  Quotes:

Season 3

D.J. D.O.A.

“What are those books? No  books allowed on this trip!” – Rick

“What are you talking about?”  - A.J., holding his books protectively.

“Okay, you can take two books  on this trip:  ‘How to Make the Perfect Margarita’ and ‘How to Pick Up Women’ and you need the second book,(A.J. chimes in) you’re in big trouble.” – Rick

“I’m looking for Rick and A.J. Simon.” – ‘Crazy’ Susan

“Never heard of them.  Don’t know them.  Can’t help ya.” – Rick

“One’s kinda blond and one has dark hair and a mustache.” – ‘Crazy’ Susan

Rick covers his mustache with  his hand.  (To A.J.)“I don’t know anyone like that, Fred, do you?”

“He’s Rick.  I’m A.J.” – A.J.

“Way to go, Fred.”  -  Rick, with disgust.

I  Heard It Was Murder

“See anybody suspicious?” –  Dr. Rebecca Towne, blind professor

“You mean, besides us?” –  Rick

”I saw ET with a guy who cried all through the movie.  I didn’t know what that one was all  about.”– Dr.  Towne

“It was this little creature who looked a lot like A.J.” – Rick

“Tequila is health food.   I’m writing a book on the subject.” – Rick

“Here you go, (I’ll) give you  over to the other one.” – A.J. to Dr. Towne

“Yeah….the good looking guy.”  - Rick, taking the doctor’s arm.

A.J.’s snicker fades off into  the distance.

Bail Out

(answering the phone after Rick’s raft inflates in the living room)

“The long suffering A.J. Simon here…” – A.J.

Fly the Alibi Skies

“A.J., the next time I want to hit him, what are you going to do??” – Rick

“Hold your coat.” –  A.J.

“Aw, c’mon, A.J,, she’s just a kid.” – Rick

“We were in the same class!” – A.J.

“That’s what I said - she’s a  kid.” - Rick, smugly

Caught Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

(Town, being followed by the then-unknown Simons, hits Rick with a tennis racket)

“Nice backhand!” – A.J.

“What we need here is some creative law enforcement.” – Town

The Bare Facts

(upon learning their target  was last seen in a nudist colony)

“The only thing we can do is go undercover…so to speak.” – A.J.

“Are you having a good time?”  – an attractive blond nudist

“Unexpectedly so.” – a nervous A.J., nude and probably trying to think of baseball.

Rick, sarcastic – “We’re getting real close to Landry, I can just feel it.  You’re going  through a second puberty and I’m sunburned in places where the sun don’t shine.”

“Aw, geez.” – Rick, about  every ten minutes while in the nudist camp.

Too Much of a Good Thing

(emerging from using fiberglass solvent on the inside of Rick’s boat)

“I’m blind!” – A.J,

“You always think you’re blind.” – Rick

“Look at that!  It’s eating a hole in the deck!” – A.J.

“See?  You’re not blind.”  – Rick

“It’s a messy job.” - Rick, in protest of the case.

“This from a man who eats  burritos in the shower.” – A.J.

(faced with a woman crying on  his shoulder)

“Do you have a handkerchief?”  – A.J,

“Are you kidding??” –  Rick

Betty Grable Flies Again

“You fellas sure your mom’s  coming to get you out?” – Irish Kelly

“Oh, yeah.  She’s used to  this.” – A.J.

Bon Voyage, Alonso

“Why don’t we flip for it?  You’re heads, I’m tails.” – Rick

“I’ve been saying that for years.” – A.J.

“You will stay here.” – Rick,  firmly

“How are you gonna make me??”  – Nick, a teenager

“Did you ever see a kid so stubborn?!” – Rick, to his mother

“Yes.” - Cecilia, deadpan, looking at Rick

All Your Favorite Games

“Just how dumb do they think we are??….Don’t answer that.” – Rick

John Doe

“I just had a long talk with an expert in nutrition and I came away convinced that the quality of my  life would just be dramatically improved.” – Rick

“Well, there’s no doubt about  that, but I’ve been telling you about nutrition for years.” –  A.J.

“Yeah, yeah.” –  Rick

“How’d this expert finally convince you?” – A,J.

“Well, she’s very…(makes rounded motions in front of his chest)…very healthy.” – Rick

“Uh-huh.” – A.J.

“Yeah, she’s going to be working real close with me on this, A.J.” – Rick, lighting up  cigar.

“Uh-huh.  I bet the  quality of your life is already improving.” - A.J., with sarcasm. 

“Does she know you smoke?”  - A.J.

“Hey, c’mon, I’ve been quitting, haven’t I? Just the occasional cigar to bridge the gap.” – Rick,  defensively.

“Bridge the gap?  Three  years, huh.” – A.J.

“It’s a long bridge.” –  Rick 

“You wouldn’t like me if I went cold turkey.” – Rick

“I don’t like you now.” –  A.J.

“Have you ever had amnesia before?” – A.J.

“I don’t remember.” – Brian  Gatewood, to the sound of the brothers’ moans.

“How much did it cost to rent  all this stuff, anyway?” – A.J., referring to the rug cleaning equipment they were using while undercover.

“That’s the best part of it.  You remember Sticky Wallet, the kleptomaniac from Norglenda?  Violated parole, had to go back to the honor farm.   We got a great bargain on this, $150 for the whole shot.” – Rick

“What did Sticky do to violate his parole?” – A.J.

“Stole some rug cleaning equipment.” – Rick, straight-faced

“So, what finally got through  to you, Rick?” – Ella

“Well, if we hadn’t been brothers and if I hadn’t listened to A.J. pesterin’ me all those years, we  probably wouldn’t be here today.” – Rick

“Pestering you?!” – A.J.,  offended

“That’s right, pestering.” – Rick

“Moi?  Pestering?  I never pest-(seeing Rick start to object) don’t talk with your mouth full!” – A.J.

Dear Lovesick

(after finding a suspect in  bed with a pretty blonde)

“Ya know, my hunch is Manny  didn’t get out of that bed all night.” – Rick

“That’s not a hunch; that’s  one of the ten commandments!” – A.J.

“Why would a guy who’s planning to walk off his own balcony leave his video recorder on to tape an old movie?” – A.J.

“…because he wasn’t going to be here to watch it live?” – Rick

(after A.J.’s living room has  been blown to pieces)

“Well, A.J., look at it this way – (it’s) worth getting bombed to get rid of that lousy oil painting you had over there.” – Rick

“Anyone who is willing to take on the awesome responsibility of turning A.J. into a happily married, well-dressed man deserves a place in the saint’s hall of fame.” –  Rick

“Don’t mind him.  He gets  testy when his house blows up, happens every time.” – Rick


“Do I detect a note of sibling discord in the air this morning?” – Town

“A whole symphony would be more like it.” – A.J.

(Looking at the horse Rick’s trying to calm down)

“That renegade belong to you?” – Chris Caufield

“Yeah, he’s my brother.” – A.J.

“You sure don’t look like  brothers.” – Handy

 “Funny, that’s what Mom used to say.”– A.J.,  ignoring Rick’s glare

“Of course I don’t look so good!  I’m hanging upside down, surrounded by animals of unknown  origin!” – A.J., in a meat locker

The Wrong Stuff

“This place doesn’t show anything unless it’s rated triple X…..(seeing A.J.’s look)…so I’ve heard anyway…”  - Rick

“A.J., you all right?” – Rick

“No!” – A.J.

“Glad to hear it.” – Rick

Double Play

“What are you doing?   Re-staining the deck?” – A.J.

“Yeah!  Well, I promised to after Carlos spilled the Don Diablo over there and ate through the  finish.”– Rick

“That was in the Nixon administration.” – A.J.

“No. .....Carter, maybe.” –  Rick

“I’ll just finish up on the  porch here.  Who’s the client?”– Rick

“Allison Long, the movie star.” – A.J.

“(The porch has) waited since  Nixon, it can wait a little while longer.” – Rick

“I’m telling you, A.J.,  there’s a notch on her bedpost with my name on it.” – Rick

“Rick, the woman is a renowned carnivore.  She will exploit you for her own pleasure.  She will use you…-“ – A.J.

“Yeah.” – Rick,  fondly.

“C’mon, A.J., In a couple of hours, we’ll be laughing about this.  We have a reputation in this  town.” – Rick

“That’s what worries me.” –  A.J.

“Somebody’s trying to hang us.” – A.J.

“Oh, I don’t think you’ll get  the death penalty.  Twenty, thirty years, tops.” – Town

“That’s what you think.  Mom finds out about this, she’s gonna kill us.” – Rick

(in a celebrity-imposter house of ill-repute)

“Just out of curiosity, what are your rates?” – Rick

“Rick!” – A.J.

(referring to the male Bette Midler beating A.J. up)

“Hit him, for crying out loud!” – Rick

“I can’t hit a lady!” –  A.J.

Under the Knife

“Raise your right hand.” – Town

With sighs and a tone of long  suffering - “We’re deputies.” – Rick, A.J.

“Tell me something.  If  this Sheila had such a great body, how come you’ve never mentioned her  before?” – A.J.

“Because she’s got such a  great body.” – Rick

“Swell, there goes Carlos’s  favorite snake.” – Rick

“Maybe we can get it back.” –  A.J.

“A.J., the snake just got  out-rattled by the Rhine maiden over there.  The only thing worse  than a scared rattler is an embarrassed rattler!” – Rick

(Rick pokes A.J. to wake him up)

“Ooh!” A.J. yells, jerking awake.  “I think it bit me!”

“Shhhh.  My finger’s not poisonous.” – Rick, rolling his eyes

Harm’s Way

(while digging through a dumpster)

“A.J., do me a favor.  Remind me that this is not what I want to do when I grow up.” –  Rick

“Somebody requires a fist full of dollars.  Who always needs that?”– Rick

“Us?” – A.J.

(while A.J. is having a hard time opening a lock with a credit card)

“What’s the matter with that one?  Expired?” – Rick, giggling

“We really should see if there’s any money in heckling.  (It’d) put you in a new tax bracket.”  – A.J.

“Hey, I’m not heavy, I’m your  brother.” – Rick

The Dillinger Print

“Ah, forget it.  It was  just a dumb thought.”–  FBI agent Frank Kinneman

“That’s what you get paid  for.” – Rick

“Where are you going?  I thought you wanted to learn how to play the game.” – A.J.

“No, I figured I’d watch one of those erotic classes.” – Rick

“Aerobic!” – A.J.

“Bet me!” - Rick, following  two women in aerobics outfits

Corpus Delecti

“What do we know about this  girl?  What do we know about her family?” – Rick, teasing A.J. about Liz

A.J., with a level look –  ”You’re not in it.”

“See there – a bunch of low  lifes!” – Rick

The Disappearance of Harry the Hat

“I’m a little nervous  here.  I’ve never tried to pick up a girl in a bar in my life…” – Harry

“That’s all right.  I  know exactly what you mean.” – Rick

“You do??” - A.J.

National Bureau of Investigation officer, Carl Lomax, returning after leaving the brothers bound – “How’s your memory?”

“I forget.” – Rick

Rick - “What plane?”

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