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Love &/or Marriage
"Yesterday a wedding, today a divorce. You and I have seen lying, cheating, deceit..." - AJ
"...and that's just at the wedding." - Rick
"Look at it this way, AJ. You still have me." - Rick
"Oh my god." - AJ
Burden of the Beast
"It's just so hard to get Joey to pick up after himself." - Lisa
"Yes, I have the same problem with my chimp." - AJ, looking at Rick
"Keep it up, Town. We'll file a complaint for attempting to commit bad comedy." - AJ
Quint is Out
"Jeremiah Quint is at large." - AJ
"Jeremiah Quint is at very large." - Rick
Walk a Mile in My Hat
(To clients who think Rick is AJ) "Oh, yes, AJ's a fine boy. It's his brother, Rick, I'm worried about." - Cecilia
Facets
(describing AJ to Rick) "Blond guy, about yay high, wears shirts with little critters on them..." - Town
"I'm not letting you go up there by yourself. Of course, you could hire another detective to go with you, but I don't want to do that." - AJ
"Why not?" - Rick
"Because you deserve the best." - AJ
"Then let's get the other guy." - Rick
Family Forecast
"Don't judge a book by its cover." - AJ
"Actually, I've had pretty good luck judging books by their cover." - Rick
"Well, given the kind of books you read, I'm not surprised." - AJ
"No record, no trace. These people don't vote, they don't pay taxes..." - AJ
"Like I said, typical American family." - Rick
"How are we supposed to do surveillance with people like that out there? We can't watch people with people watching us watch people!" - Rick
"We're not going to lose, are we?" - AJ
"No. Remember, the eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked up into a jet engine." - Rick
For the People
"I don't want to get any dings." - Rick, about the Power Wagon.
"Dings? What's the matter? Would they clash with the bulletholes?" - Town
"What time is it?" - AJ
"Tuesday." - Rick
Full Moon Blues
"This guy killed my roommate!" - Rick
"Well, let's not get sentimental about it. You never even met the (roommate)." - AJ
"Yeah, but I wanted that pleasure myself." - Rick
Eye of the Beholder
"Are you aware that the instructions are all in Spanish?" - AJ
"Well, that's not a problem, I speak Spanish." - Rick
"Yeah, Rick, but this is technical stuff. I think it's a little tougher than saying 'What time does happy hour start?'" - AJ
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
(seeing Cecilia has brought a friend to his house unexpectedly) "I'll go put something on." - AJ
"Don't bother, AJ, I used to diaper you." - Mrs. Kay
"He hasn't changed much." - Rick
"To my sons - the dirtiest, sleaziest, low-life detectives in San Diego." Cecilia, with pride
"We'll drink to that." - Rick
"I still don't believe Uncle Bud's a psycho." - Rick
"He hired us, didn't he?" - AJ
"Good point." - Rick
Act 5
"I will never understand how any intelligent man could be fooled by a woman like her." - AJ
"Happened to me once." - Rick
"I said intelligent man." - AJ
The Last Harangue
"I can't find those salt-free potato chips you used to have." - customer to undercover Rick
"Yes." - Rick, with Indian accent
"Well, where the hell are they?" - customer
"I am very well, thank you, and where the hell are you?" - Rick
"Somebody's going to have to run the business. I can't do that with both of us slapping babies and kissing backs." - Rick
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